half alive

i've clearly decided I'm tired of love picking me up and throwing me down....
When ever i hear the song jar of hearts one part describes me perfectly "i learn to live half alive."
And its true i am only living half alive.
My life is meaningless
I often wonder through out everyday what would happen if i just ran away
would anyone notice or even care.
Would i find something to awaken whats dead inside of me aka my heart
Love is overrated.
It hurts
It kills
It makes you wanna disappear or better yet just die all together.
I grow tired of this stupid charade I'm done with it.
Purely done.
I cant take anymore
I just wanna die alone since I'm only half alive anyway

true

True feelings make no sense,
You want to let them out but something holds you back.
Some people go day to day holding back their real feelings.
I know that i do.
Most of those feelings eat me up inside and when i let some slip out i hurt others around me.
I've learned over my life that helping your self is the only way to go.
No one else can help you.
People are so easy to decievce.
You can make them think anything you want them to.
You can make them think your okay when your world is crashing down.
I can make anyone believe what i wish them to believe.
That I'm happy when i hate everything about my life.
That I'm okay when i feel like everything is falling apart.
I've learned that once you get back up you get kicked back down.
I often wonder if its better just to stay down.
I wonder why fight it.
Whats the point.
Just stay down and maybe it won't hurt as much.
But on and on i go still fighting for what again? Life? Love?
Oh i love. I love deeply. Even that hurts more. Sometimes I'd rather continue being pushed down the be hurt for love.
I lie daily. I pretend everything is great when its not. Things are never going to be good. So I'll just keep pretending and holding it all in.

school

latley been stressing about everything...
whether or not my boss thinks i am ready to be a supervisor...
Trying to figure out how to pay for schoool
Trying to figure out how to get my laptop fixed...
Now i am here and everything is fallin into place.... im pretty pumped about that.... today is not a bad day!

wonders

sometimes i feel life just slipping away. I have good days. I have bad days. Some days i am too easily irritated by the love of my life and cant stand to be around anyone frankly. The there are those days were i cling to anyone around me. Bipolar? not sure.  Cant help it i guess. I come off as a bitch sometimes especially to those i love very much. I don't mean to. But its almost as if my fuse is short. I stand and watch one of my closet friends seem so depressed everyday and cant help to wonder if i seem the same. So much of my My past haunts me. Running only makes it worse.....I've already picked up using drinking to make it seem better. And i watch my good friend do it. Its not what makes it better i know that. But cant help but feel sometimes its all i know. It hasn't become a bad habit but i fear it may.

nothing more nothing less

At the end of the day all that is left are the words that remain.
Nothing but hate said, nothing but love relayed.
Choosing words carefully are hard to do.
Who can honestly never say anything cruel.
Who can honestly never same anything loving.
We chose what we say.
Everyday is something to try.
Actions supposedly speak louder then words,
 But at the end of the day all that remains are the words.
Nothing more. Nothing less.